(dramatic music) (applause) ♪ Welcome.

Welcome to our show this evening.

We've got a wonderful one for you.

We have our regulars, Vicki Lawrence and Lyle Waggoner and the wonderful Harvey Korman.

And our special guest stars this evening are Eydie Gormé and Tim Conway.

(applause) (cheering) Turn up the mics, let's see if y'all have anything you wanna say before we get started.

-Yeah.

-If you were stranded on an island, who would you like to be with?

(Carol) If I were stranded on an island, who would I like to be with?

You mean, aside from my own husband?

So, you're asking for someone--well, since Burt Reynolds said he wanted me, I might as well be with somebody who wants me.

Um, I guess Burt and Peter Ustinov.

What's so fun-- he's terrific, Peter Ustinov.

Gosh, he's got stories and he's funny and you know, everything.

And then a good cook.

-Yes.

-Who's your favorite silent film actress?

(Carol) Who was my favorite silent film actress?

(laughter) Well, from all I've read, I would think probably-- I've never seen her do anything, but from what I've read, a lady named Mabel Normand.

She was supposed to have been a wonderful comedienne and I would love to have seen some of her films.

We have a big show for you tonight, so don't go away.

We'll be right back.

(applause) (lively music) ♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood... ♪ It's The Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Korman... ♪ Vicki Lawrence and Lyle Waggoner.

♪ ♪ (Roger) Oh, I know, come on.

(Carol) Roger.

I don't care if you play poker with the guys, but why do you have to play here?

(Roger) This is where I live, that's why.

(Carol) Well, I live here too!

Can't you show me a little consideration sometimes?

(Roger) Look, do I complain when your cronies come over here for coffee in the afternoon?

(Carol) Well, you're never home in the afternoons!

(Roger) In that case, why don't you not be home tonight?

(Carol) You know I can't go out, I've got a cold!

(Roger) Look, you don't wanna go out, stay home, but get off my back.

And stop following me around!

If you have to talk, stand in one place.

(Carol) Roger, I don't wanna nag you but-- -Since when?

-It's just that every time your friends come over here, it takes me a... ...week to get this mess cleaned up!

Between the cigar smoke and the ashes and the spilled drinks all over the floor and the cigarette... ...butts everywhere!

I gotta tell you that your friends are the biggest group of... ...slobs I've ever seen!

(Roger) Oh, for heaven's sake!

Charlie's wife never carried on this way when we played over at his house!

(Carol) Then why don't you play at Charlie's house?

(Roger) Can't, they're getting divorced.

(Carol) You see, you see?

And I don't blame her one bit, the same thing's gonna happen to you.

(Roger) Promises, promises!

(Carol) When you come out, I'm going to hit you over the head with this.

-Carol, I'm going out.

-Oh, have a good time.

(Christine) Sure you don't wanna go to the movie with me?

(Carol) No, I can't, honey, this cold's got me down.

(Christine) Well, maybe if you bundled up real good.

(Carol) I better not.

-What's playing?

-It's a horror film.

The Midnight Monsters.

(Carol) That's what's playing here tonight too.

-Have a good time.

-Okay, bye-bye.

(coughing) -I hear somebody come in?

-Oh, Christine just went out.

(Roger) That's the first good news I've had tonight.

-Get out of my way.

-Would you do me a favor?

Just let me ask you one little thing, okay?

-What?

-Would you please tell your friends from the Animal Kingdom to try tonight not to destroy my home?

(Roger) All right, would you do me one favor?

Would you go into the bedroom, take a sleeping pill, a tranquilizer, couple of aspirins, a decongestant or two, and before you know it, the evening will be over.

(Carol) Oh, is that so, really?

You know what happens every time they come over here?

I'm the one, not you, that winds up waiting on them hand and foot!

(Roger) You won't have to do that tonight!

Would you please go lie down?

I'll take care of it all and you won't have to do a thing.

(doorbell ringing) Get that, will you, Carol?

(laughter) (sneezing) (Tim) Oh, man.

(applause) Boy, it's murder out there tonight.

Say, Carol, how's it going, huh?

(Carol) I'm fine, would you mind wiping your feet, please?

(Tim) Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Might as well leave that door open, Charlie's right behind me.

(thudding, crashing) (Carol) Sounds like he caught up to you.

(Tim) That's okay, I'm driving my wife's car.

-Hi, Carol.

-Hello there, Charlie.

(Charlie) Oh, I haven't seen you in a long time.

Let me look at you.

You look terrible.

I have a headache and a bad cold.

(coughing) (Charlie) I got news, you got a bad cough, too.

Hi, guys.

Get that, will you, Carol?

Hi, buddy.

-Well, hi there, Marge.

-It's Carol.

(man) Whatever.

-Hiya, Carol.

-Oh, hello, Gus.

-Hey, this is my night to win.

-Yeah.

(Gus) How about a great big kiss for good luck?

(hissing) Never mind, I'll take my chances.

-Hey, how are you, Gus?

-Hi, Gus.

(Roger) Hey, you're on time for a change.

(Tim) Okay.

(Carol) Roger, I wanna talk to you just for a minute.

Would you come over, Roger?

Roger, I'm talking to you.

Roger, I'm standing here dying talking to you, and you don't hear me, do you?

No, you're just sitting there playing your little cards, that's right.

Roger, come over, Roger, Roger, come over.

Roger, if you don't come over here I'm gonna pull every hair out of your head and it won't take long.

Roger, I'm gonna scream any minute.

Roger, you asked for it.

Roger!

(Tim) Think the little lady wants you.

(Roger) Deal me out of this one, will ya?

What do you want now?

(Carol) I want them out of here by 11 o'clock.

-We haven't even started yet.

-I don't care.

I want them out of here, I can't stand them!

(Roger) Shhh!

You keep your voice down, those are my friends.

(Carol) I happen to be your wife!

There is absolutely no reason why they have to stay here that long.

I'm telling you, Roger, you better get them out of here, do you understand?

You have to choose between them or me.

Why should I have to-- (Roger) I choose them.

Ah, oh!

Hope you had your shots.

It'll be 11 o'clock, okay, 11 o'clock.

Go make yourself some tea.

(Carol) They're gonna turn into pumpkins, 11 o'clock.

-Make some tea and go to bed.

-I'm warning you.

-Yo, hey, let's go.

-All right, all right.

Anybody want anything before we begin?

(Gus) Uh, yeah, I'll have a beer, Rog, if you don't mind.

-Me too.

-Give me a sandwich -if it isn't much trouble.

-No, no trouble at all.

Carol!

How about bringing out a sandwich and a couple of beers?

You got that?

(screaming) -She got it.

-Yeah.

(Roger) Oh, for crying out loud.

It's 59 cents a package.

(Tim) Yeah, how many beers you have before you came over here?

-I only had two.

-Make that twelve.

-He counts by six packs.

-Get out of here.

-Am I in for this one?

-Yeah.

-Oh, I am.

-What is this?

-Jacks are better?

-Jacks are better.

-Who gets the sandwich?

-Here, right here.

(Carol) Make it yourself.

(Roger) Oh, okay.

-Okay, Gus.

-Wow.

(Roger) Huh?

(Tim) Right from the old gourmet chef, huh?

Wow, good stuff.

-Again?

-Any again?

-Yeah.

-Sure.

(Roger) Queen.

What is this?

(Tim) What, did you have this in the freezer for crying out loud?

(Roger) Come on, Gus, read the numbers on the cards, you know what I mean?

(Tim) Geez--oh.

Get this stuff off here, would you, man?

It's a, uh... (clattering) (Roger) Get that, will you, Carol?

(Carol) I'll get it, I'll get it.

No, really, you guys, don't get up, no.

I'm gonna get it, I'll get down there on my hands and knees and I'll pick up the sandwich that you, you big fat slob, dropped all over my nice clean floor.

No, really, I insist, I don't mind standing here with an 111 temperature dying while you're sitting around playing your big men's game.

No, I'm gonna go now, I'm gonna get on all fours.

I may never come up again, but what do you care?

No, here I go, see Carol go?

She's gonna disappear, see, here I go!

Got the bread, got the bread you dropped, you big jerk!

I got the ham, oh, it's got all kinds of germs on it!

Let's get those off.

One more piece of bread and you'll have your sandwich!

Here, I found the bread, yes!

Now let Carol make you the sandwich because you're very busy.

Here, oh, that's too big for your pretty little mouth.

Here, I'll wind it up in a nice little ball for you.

That's it and then you can eat it all in one big bite.

Now, eat it!

You got a lot to learn about being a bunny.

(Carol) Will you watch that beer?

(Roger) Carol, come on, you're getting germs all over everything!

Get you a glass of water, for heaven's sake.

(man) You know, we're all gonna have colds in the morning.

(Charlie) Yeah, she's a regular Typhoid Mary.

(Carol) Look who's talking, Mr. Air Pollution!

-Hey, that's telling him!

-Ow!

That did it!

That did it!

I'm up to here with you!

If you think you're gonna turn my beautiful, nice, clean living room into some kind of a filthy poker palace, you're sadly mistaken!

I want you out of here immediately.

I may be just a wife... ...but I'm also... a human being.

(clapping, screaming) Get them out of here!

(thudding) (Roger) Deal me in, I'll be right back.

♪ (applause) We have a super lady on our show tonight, and I'm very proud to announce that there is an award given.

It's called the FAME Award by Fame Magazine, and it's voted on by the editors and writers of newspapers and publications all over the country, and this lady won the number one spot as the top female vocalist in the country.

Miss Eydie Gormé.

(applause) (dramatic music) ♪ ♪ A chair is still a chair even when there's no one sitting there ♪ ♪ ♪ But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home ♪ ♪ When there's no one there to hold you tight ♪ ♪ And no one there you can kiss good night ♪ ♪ ♪ A room is still a room even when there's nothing there but gloom ♪ ♪ ♪ But a room is not a house and a house is not a home ♪ ♪ When the two of us are far apart and one of us has a broken heart ♪ ♪ ♪ Now and then I call your name ♪ ♪ And suddenly your face appears ♪ ♪ But it's just a crazy game ♪ When it ends, it ends in tears ♪ ♪ ♪ Darling, have a heart ♪ Don't let one mistake keep us apart ♪ ♪ I'm not meant to live alone ♪ Turn this house into a home ♪ When I climb the stair and turn the key ♪ ♪ Oh, please be there still in love with me ♪ ♪ I'm not meant to live alone ♪ Turn this house into a home ♪ When I climb the stair and turn the key ♪ ♪ Oh, darling please be there ♪ Still in love with me ♪ (applause) (cheering) (playful music) ♪ Where is that guy?

He's 20 minutes late already.

(Frisbee) You a policeman?

(Mullens) Well, it's about time you got here.

-Sergeant Mullens?

-Yeah, I'm Sergeant Mullens.

(Frisbee) Right, Officer Frisbee, sir, reporting.

(Mullens) All right, Frisbee, it's getting late.

-We better get started.

-Yeah, oh, I'll, uh, I'll need your identification.

(Mullens) We don't have time for that, come on.

(Frisbee) Wait a minute, they told me at the police academy to never accept a case unless you had proper identification.

(Mullens) Oh, for Pete's sake.

-It'll take a minute.

-Here you are.

(Frisbee) Wanna take it out of there?

(laughter) (Mullens) You're a beauty, Frisbee.

(Frisbee) Okay, just give me-- -light's not too good here.

-Mhm.

Yeah.

-Is this Howard Mullens?

-That's right, Howard Mullens.

(Frisbee) Wait a minute, this picture don't look much like you.

(Mullens) Well, it was taken a couple of years ago.

(Frisbee) Oh, yeah, well, wait a minute, let's check her out here.

Could you smile?

-See that-- -Mhm.

I'm working into it.

(laughter) -Yeah, that's you okay.

-Okay.

-Good going, all right.

-Okay.

(Mullens) Now it's getting late, we gotta get to work.

-We gotta change our clothes.

-Yeah, right.

-Your stuff is in here.

-All right.

Well, I can't, uh-- here would be-- (Mullens) Can't do what here?

Can't change out here in front of everybody.

(Mullens) What do you mean everybody?

I'm the only one here.

-Well, that's what I mean.

-Oh, for crying out loud.

Go behind that bush and change then, will ya?

(Frisbee) Yeah, right, well, be out in a minute.

(Mullens) Oh, brother.

-And hurry it up.

-Yeah.

I knew they gave all the rookies those crazy cases, but I never expected to get one like this.

Look, Frisbee, I'm not crazy about this assignment either, but some guy has been mugging couples in the park for six months now.

If we can grab this guy, it could mean a promotion.

(Frisbee) Yeah, well I could sure use the extra money, I'll tell ya that.

(Mullens) So could I, this could be big, you know what I mean?

-Right.

-Let's not goof up.

-Let's stay on the ball.

-Mhm.

-You about ready?

-Uh, yeah, just about.

Hurry up, it's getting late.

(Frisbee) Uh, you're the only guy out there now?

(Mullens) Yeah, I'm the only guy out-- would you get out here?

-Well, all right.

-Come on!

-Okay.

-Hurry up, will ya, Frisbee?

(laughter) (laughter) That's beautiful, Frisbee.

I like that.

(Frisbee) You aren't gonna say anything cruel, are ya?

(Mullens) No.

(Frisbee) Well... How do I look?

-Fine.

-Yeah, yeah.

Lipstick on and everything?

I didn't have much light back there, just-- -Oh no, looks fine, looks great.

-You wouldn't kid me, would ya?

-I look okay, don't I?

-Look, you look better than my wife, okay?

(Frisbee) Oh, is she a blonde, too?

-Never mind!

-Okay.

(Mullens) Now, come on, we have to act like -we're a couple out on a date.

-Right, yeah.

-Okay, come on, sit down.

-Well, just a minute.

(Mullens) What's the matter now?

Well, I didn't know you're married.

(Mullens) Sit down!

-Get over here.

-Huh?

(Mullens) Closer.

I have to put my arm around you.

(Frisbee) Isn't that kinda rushing things?

(Mullens) What's that supposed to mean?

(Frisbee) Well, it is our first date.

(Mullens) Oh, for heaven's sake.

Let's just talk and act normal, you know what I mean?

(Frisbee) Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say.

-Nice night, isn't it, honey?

-Yeah.

-Sergeant Mullens.

-What?

(Frisbee) You have to hold me so tight?

(Mullens) Look, I'm not crazy about this job either, but we have to act like we're a couple on a date, so we have to pretend, all right?

(Frisbee) Right.

As long as you keep it on that basis.

(Mullens) What makes you think it could be anything else?

(Frisbee) Well... (laughter) (applause) You did say I look better than your wife.

(Mullens) Everybody looks better than my wife.

-Just settle down, relax.

-Yeah.

-Take it easy.

-Oh.

-What's the matter now?

-Oh, this girdle's killing me.

(Mullens) Captain didn't say you had to wear a girdle.

(Frisbee) Well, I didn't want you to... (laughter) (Mullens) You didn't want me to what?

I didn't want you to be ashamed of me.

-Hope that mugger shows up soon.

-Yeah.

So just exactly what is it this guy does to couples?

(Mullens) Well, first of all, he robs the man.

(Frisbee) Yeah.

(Mullens) Then he turns his attention to the woman and... (Frisbee) Oh, yeah.

(Mullens) Hi, Tom, hi, Ralph.

(Frisbee) Ralph should never wear a skirt that short with his legs.

(Mullens) This guy could be anywhere watching us.

-Come on, stay close to me.

-Okay, I don't mind.

It's kinda chilly tonight anyway.

(laughter) Oh.

Well, what do you wanna talk about?

(Mullens) I don't care.

(laughter) (Frisbee) Wanna talk about your wife?

(Mullens) No.

(Frisbee) It's okay, you can if you want to, it doesn't bother me.

(Mullens) Shut up, will you, Frisbee?

-Are you mad, Howard?

-No, I'm not mad.

-You are mad.

-No, I'm not.

-You're mad, Howard.

-I said I'm not.

Why'd you take your arm away?

(Mullens) 'Cause I felt like taking my arm away.

(Frisbee) Then you're mad.

(laughter) (sighing) A man doesn't take his arm away unless there's something wrong.

(Mullens) Oh, come on.

(Frisbee) I hate you, Howard.

(Mullens) Will ya... (robber) All right, reach, both of you.

-You, gimme your wallet.

-Oh, sure.

(robber) Ah, keep your hands up, I'll get it.

All right, now don't move.

Okay, sweetheart, now for you.

(Frisbee) Howard.

(robber) You guys must be kidding.

Gimme your handcuffs, I'll take your gun while I'm at it.

-You mean you knew we were cops?

-Of course.

I can smell a cop a mile away.

(Frisbee) Should've worn perfume.

-Put your hands behind you.

-Yeah.

(robber) Okay.

So long, coppers.

(laughing) -Well, that does it.

-Mm.

-Well, what are we gonna do now?

-What can we do?

We have to lug this bench down to the station house.

What a disgrace, after this, I'm through in the department.

I'll have to go into my brother-in-law's -plumbing business.

-Yeah, well, not me.

I'm sticking with law enforcement.

-As what?

-Meter maid.

(Mullens) Oh, come on.

(lively music) (applause) ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ Good evening and welcome to Midnight Theatre.

Tonight we have an exciting super spy adventure for you, involving government double dealing, sex, brutality, nudity, and violence.

Something for the entire family.

Tonight's picture stars the dynamic, debonair, irresistible James Blonde as Agent 00 in Dr.

Nose.

(dramatic music) ♪ James, James Blonde!

(James) Oh, it's you again, Duchess, yes.

(Duchess) I can't stand being without you.

-Kiss me!

-Wait, please.

I'll be with you in a moment.

I think I'll have to adjust the light first, if you don't mind.

(shot firing) I must remember to send a note to my decorator.

-Where were we?

-You were about to kiss me.

(moaning) (thudding) (woman) James, James, I can't live without your kiss.

-I'll be with you in a moment.

-Come here.

-The touch of your lips.

-Excuse me.

Just a moment, girls, pardon me.

I'll make a phone call, if you don't mind.

B, A, N, G. (shot firing) New secret weapon called Dial A Shot.

Yes, operator, you can reload, thank you.

All right, girls, please, out, you'll have to take a number.

-Please.

-Just one little-- -Just for a minute.

-Please, thank you very much.

I have to report these attempts on my life to headquarters.

(shot firing) Hello?

No, it just grazed me, operator, yes, thank you.

Yes, quite so, thank you.

(knocking) Come in.

(shouting, thudding) -Oh, hello, Z.

-Hello, Blonde.

(James) How are things at the laboratory?

(Z) Not good, the entire world is being blackmailed by one evil mastermind.

-Oh, really, who's that?

-This man.

They call him Dr.

Nose.

-Oh.

-Yes.

He has satellite bombs over every major city.

He's asking $3 million ransom.

You've got to stop him, Blonde.

(James) Yes, well, how could we do that?

(Z) Well, I don't know, but this is the latest weapon from headquarters.

(James) Oh, yes, yes.

-The old finger gun.

-That's right.

Mhm, how do you shoot it?

(Z) It's really very simple, you just pull the hang nail.

-Aha.

-Well, good luck Blonde.

-Yes, thank you.

-Oh, by the way, you better be careful of Dr.

Nose's number one agent.

She's a devastating young woman by the name of Passion Plenty.

Passion Plenty, huh?

Yes, well, don't worry about me Z.

Just take care of yourself.

(shot firing) (thudding) Sorry, Z, I don't know how you shut this off.

(shots firing) Oh yeah, I see.

Here's the safety on the cuticle.

Aha, well, I suppose I can be expecting a visit from Passion Plenty shortly.

Hi, I'm Passion Plenty.

Well, hello.

Won't you come in?

I'll take your coat.

Well, what brings you here?

(Passion Plenty) Dr.

Nose sent me over to keep you occupied.

(James) Oh, really?

(Passion Plenty) Yes, you see, no man can resist Passion Plenty.

(James) And no woman can resist James Blonde.

Pardon me.

(shot firing) (laughter) -Care for a drink?

-I'd love one.

(James) What do you drink?

(Passion Plenty) Brandy, it stirs my blood.

(James) Two bloody brandies.

So, so, so, Dr.

Nose has sent you here to keep me away from his laboratory.

Do you think you can do that?

Of course I can, Blonde.

All I have to do is turn on my passion.

It's on.

Oh, really, you call that passion power?

You haven't seen anything yet.

I have sex appeal I haven't even used yet.

(drumming) Oh, really?

Nobody has ever out-distanced James Blonde.

(drumming) (Passion Plenty) Very good, almost.

I suppose we'll have to have a kiss off.

-A what?

-A kissy contest.

(James) Oh yes, all right.

-Burton Taylor rules?

-Yes, no holds barred.

-It's your funeral.

-Yes, well.

-Good luck.

-Good luck, same to you.

-Time, please.

-Round one.

Come out loving, Blonde.

(dinging) (James) Aha, aha, aha, aha.

(Passion Plenty) Hm, very good, very good.

Ha!

(kissing) (gibberish) (James) Well, perhaps I've underestimated you.

-I dare say.

-Well, oh-- Excuse me, it's the butler, yes-- -No, oh!

-Aha!

(Passion Plenty) That's some fancy lip work, Blonde.

-Had enough?

-No, not quite.

I still have a few tricks left up my sleeve.

-Really?

-Your shoelace.

(kissing) -Ha!

-Well!

Going to play that way, are we?

Well, oh, time, end of round one.

-Round one already.

-Very nice, yes.

-Congratulations.

-No!

(kissing) (James) Aha.

Eight, nine, ten.

Aha, well, nobody has ever gone the distance with James Blonde.

No, wait!

No.

(James) And now to the laboratory of Dr.

Nose.

♪ (woman) Girls dismissed.

Where have you been, Doc?

(Dr.

Nose) None of your business, don't be nosy.

(woman) Look who's talking.

(Dr.

Nose) Silence!

(blowing nose) Ah, let us see how ransom demand is doing.

Check map.

Hm, mhm.

Ah, $2 million from New York, $1 million from Chicago, $17.92 from Philadelphia.

Those fools!

Do they think they can do that to Dr.

Nose?

I'll show them they cannot take me lightly!

I will destroy them!

I will kill them!

When I'm through, there'll be nothing left!

Do you hear, I will destroy them!

(woman) Why did you do that?

(Dr.

Nose) Do what?

(woman) Should I post the guards to protect the laboratory -from James Blonde?

-No need!

James Blonde now at mercy at this very moment of Passion Plenty.

(engine whirring) -What's that?

-The helicopter.

-In the laboratory?

-It's... -It's James Blonde!

-Get him, get him!

(James) No fear here.

Well, which one of you is Dr.

Nose?

(nose trumpeting) Aha, well.

-Kill him!

-Oh, you think she can?

I'll paralyze her with one kiss.

See that?

Wait a minute, what happened?

(Dr.

Nose) Little device I invented to ward off James Blonde charm.

Plastic lips.

Take him away and prepare him for laser beam.

(James) Aha.

Well.

-I'm back.

-I'm Nose.

(laughter) I'm afraid I failed with James Blonde.

-I was out-kissed.

-It's all right, Passion!

You are just in time to witness his execution.

No--really?

So that's the way it is?

James Blonde has put his mark upon you.

(Passion Plenty) Mark, no, that's a hickey.

-You love him.

-No, no, I don't love.

-Yes, you do, yes, yes!

-No, no, no, no!

(Dr.

Nose) Look me in the eye!

See, you can't look me in the eye.

(Passion Plenty) Nobody can look you in the eye!

(Dr.

Nose) Bring in Blonde!

(Passion Plenty) Oh, James, no!

(Dr.

Nose) Now, Blonde, with you out of the way, no one can stop me from blackmailing the world.

Bring me the laser beam!

-Laser beam?

-Then you know what it does.

No, I don't think so.

(Dr.

Nose) It kills very... -slowly.

-No, please.

Please, no, don't, don't do this!

All my life I've fought against love.

I've been an evil person, but now I've found love.

I've found someone I can give to, someone I want, someone I care about.

Oh, I beseech you, Dr.

Nose.

-Spare him!

-Then I'll kill you instead.

(Passion Plenty) Goodbye, James.

(Dr.

Nose) Prepare to meet your doom!

(laser buzzing) (Passion Plenty) I'll save you!

(James) Ah, well, now, the tables have turned.

Let's see how you handle a black belt karate expert.

-Don't move, I have you covered.

-With what?

(Dr.

Nose) My secret nose gun!

One zap and I'll blow you up!

(Passion Plenty) Wait, wait, Dr.

Nose.

-What?

-I've changed my mind.

-I love you.

-Do you?

(Passion Plenty) Yes, kiss me.

Here, put your nose in your ear.

(Dr.

Nose) Oh, yes.

-What's that?

-It's pepper!

(Dr.

Nose) No!

(gibberish) (sneezing, explosion) (Passion Plenty) Gesundheit.

-Poor devil, what happened?

-I stuck his nose in his ear, he sneezed and blew his brains out.

(laughter) He did.

(James) Old nose in the ear and blow your brains out gag.

(Passion Plenty) It's an oldie but it always works.

(James) I understand, well, I'm getting out of this spy business.

-So am I, my darling.

-As a matter of fact, I'm turning in all my secret weapons.

My switchblade collar-stay.

(Passion Plenty) I'll turn in my cyanide wisdom tooth.

(James) Yes, and I'm turning in my atomic underwear.

(explosion) -Up in smoke.

-Yes.

-That's it, James.

-Yes, from now on, it's just you and me.

-I forgot my finger gun.

-Oh, James.

(lively music) (applause) (upbeat music) ♪ (Susie) ♪ One week old is he (Mother) ♪ Welcome to the fold is he (Father) ♪ Worth his weight in gold is he ♪ (in unison) ♪ Such an angel child ♪ (Susie) My name is Susie and I'm terribly smart, and I'm six years old today.

Nobody notices me anymore since Junior came to stay.

For weeks and months I've been hearing about the new baby brother.

Neither Mother nor Father have paid the slightest attention to me.

You wouldn't believe the money he's cost while I drag around in the same old ruffles and bows.

Goodness knows I wouldn't mind it, but he's such an ugly child.

All the aunts and uncles are coming today and they expect to see a little angel.

Of course they do.

Well, they're going to be appalled.

For one thing, he hasn't a tooth in his head, but worse than that, he's bald.

(tutting) Such a disappointing child.

(dramatic music) ♪ (ensemble) ♪ How do, how do ♪ How do, how do (Father) ♪ Mother and child are resting well ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Well, how do, how do ♪ How do, how do (in unison) ♪ Mother and child are resting well ♪ (uncle) ♪ Well, he sure favors his father, don't he ♪ (aunt) ♪ Not a bit ♪ As a matter of fact, the resemblance is quite the opposite ♪ (uncle) ♪ He's the spitting image of his father ♪ (aunt) ♪ Darling, he's the picture of you ♪ (Mother) ♪ I think he does look a little like me but he looks like his father too ♪ (Susie) Well, that's pure slander if ever I heard it.

Now, isn't that a jam.

He doesn't even look much like a boy, much less like either of them.

♪ (aunt) ♪ Have you decided, dear what you're going to name him ♪ (Mother) ♪ Michael (aunt) ♪ Michael ♪ Mike (vocalizing) ♪ ♪ Oh, such a pity, such a pity ♪ Such a shame to saddle such a darling child with such a common name ♪ ♪ Such a common, common name ♪ ♪ Call him Algenon or Jeffrey ♪ Call him Vernon or Van Dyke ♪ Call him Conrad, call him Cuthbert ♪ ♪ Call him anything but Mike (ensemble) ♪ Call him Conrad, call him Cuthbert ♪ ♪ Call him anything but Mike ♪ Call him Algenon or Jeffrey ♪ Call him Vernon or Van Dyke (women) ♪ Call him Conrad (men) ♪ No, not Conrad (women) ♪ Call him Cuthbert (men) ♪ No, not Cuthbert (women) ♪ Call him anything but Mike (men) ♪ Neither Algenon, nor not Jeffrey ♪ ♪ Neither Vernon nor Van Dyke ♪ We don't think you want to call him anything but Mike ♪ (Susie) ♪ No matter what you call him he is still an ugly tyke ♪ (vocalizing) (Susie) Oh no, it's Auntie Bubbles.

♪ (Auntie Bubbles) ♪ How is everybody ♪ And the baby, how is he (Susie) You see nobody pays any mind to me anymore.

(Auntie Bubbles) ♪ Where's the little darling ♪ Oh goodness ♪ Here he is It's supposed to be my birthday, but you'd think that it was his.

(Auntie Bubbles) (indistinct) ♪ Do you like your Auntie Bubbles ♪ ♪ How's about a tiss ♪ A gweat big tiss ♪ Who's a little angel child ♪ Itchy-coo-coo-coo ♪ Isn't you a cutie (Susie) I think we should've bought her the bassinets and booties.

(Auntie Bubbles) ♪ I'm your Auntie Bubbles and this is Uncle Meek ♪ ♪ Say hello to baby, Uncle Meek ♪ As far as I know, that's the first time in history that Auntie B has ever asked Uncle Meek to speak!

(soft music) (clearing throat) (Uncle Meek) ♪ Itchy-coo (Auntie Bubbles) ♪ That will do ♪ Oh, (indistinct) ♪ Who's that angel... (continues holding note) ...child ♪ (applause) Well, I might as well pack my few belongings and walk right out that door.

You all have made it perfectly clear that you don't want me anymore.

I gave you the best six years of my life!

And now I'm out in the cold!

Nobody remembered today is my birthday!

It's terrible to grow old!

♪ (crying) (in unison) ♪ Susie dear, you're not forgotten ♪ ♪ We thought you knew (Susie) Knew what?

(in unison) ♪ That your new baby brother is our birthday gift to you ♪ (laughter) He's... your gift to me?

I see.

Auntie Bubbles.

(mellow music) Didn't I forget your birthday last year?

(Auntie Bubbles) ♪ Auntie Bubbles doesn't care about birthdays, dear ♪ (Susie) Well, I didn't know just what was right, but now I think I do.

As my belated gift, I give the angel child to you.

♪ Happy birthday, Auntie Bubbles ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you (Auntie Bubbles) ♪ But I couldn't, darling Susie ♪ (Susie) ♪ What's the matter, are you choosy ♪ Take him, take him!

He's yours!

(soft music) ♪ (Auntie Bubbles) ♪ With his little bare head and his little pink gums ♪ ♪ And his king size eyes of blue ♪ ♪ With his little bare head and his little pink gums ♪ ♪ He looks so much like you You mean... ♪ ...I was toothless?

♪ I was bald?

I couldn't walk?

Couldn't talk?

(lively music) (Auntie Bubbles) ♪ Ta ta ♪ Farewell ♪ We must make it swift ♪ Ta ta ♪ And thanks ♪ For such a lovely gift (Uncle Meek) ♪ Gift (Susie) No, wait!

He might even grow to be, eventually, an angel child like me.

(soft music) Auntie B, I changed my mind.

I think we'll keep the tyke.

There seems to be a chance for him if he's what I was like.

♪ And I don't think we ought to call him anything but Mike ♪ (ensemble) ♪ Neither Algenon, nor Jeffrey ♪ ♪ Neither Vernon nor Van Dyke ♪ Neither Conrad, neither Cuthbert ♪ ♪ For she thinks she'll call him Mike ♪ ♪ We think such a name will strike ♪ (Susie) ♪ For such an angel child (ensemble) ♪ Neither Algenon, nor Jeffrey is a proper name for such an angel child ♪ (applause) Hey, thank you and be sure to be with us next week when our guest will be The Odd Couple, Jack Klugman and Tony Randall.

And let's all fight pollution as though our lives depended on it.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ It seems we just got started and before you know it comes the time we have to say so long ♪ (lively music) ♪ (announcer) Also featured in tonight's guests were Bob Duggan and Brad Trumbull.

The song "A House Is Not A Home" was previously recorded.

(applause) ♪